Handling it
by lil-pon
Summary: Spoiler-free fanfic of Killian and Emma's relationship, set a few months after the third season finale (supposing nothing supernatural has happened in the meantime). The two had been in a relationship to this point, and apparently something that upset them both has happened. It doesn't matter what, it was no-one's fault. It just made Emma realize something.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note**

**To Guest reviewer: I appreciate your honesty, really. For future reviewers, please mind that there's a reason this story is in Angst/Hurt/Comfort rather than Romance section. There's a lot of angst, so be prepared.**

* * *

><p>"Please, you couldn't handle it."<p>

"Perhaps you're the one who couldn't handle it."

Their short conversation before their first kiss echoed in his ears when he saw the sullen expression on her face. He knew what she was going to say, he didn't want to admit it, but he knew. She was standing in front of him, putting a safe distance between them, had her arms crossed and her gaze on the floor. She bit her lip and started talking.

E: You probably know why I'm here.

He didn't answer. He was looking at her the whole time, but she turned her gaze as soon as she had finished her sentence.

E: Well, your silence says a lot-

K: Cut it, Swan, and get to the point.

She finally locked her gaze on him. Her jaw was clenched.

E: This thing... between us... it has been good. I felt happy, complete, my emotions free after a long long time. But I... I... (sigh) I think it overwhelmed me.

K: "This thing" overwhelmed you? You think it's a lot for you?

E: I... I meant...

K: You want me to cut you some slack, love? You want me to not show how happy I am being with you?

E: No, I can't ask this of you. I know that you've accepted your feelings, and pretending they're not true is...well, hard.

K: What then? You want me to give you...

E: (agitated) Can you stop asking questions for a moment?

Actually, he couldn't. He wanted her to say whatever she wanted to say, and his nervouness was getting the best of him. But he managed to shut up.

E: I don't want you to not show me your feelings. I've appreciated that since the beginning. But something with that bothered me, and I didn't want to accept it. I've been happy but... I just can't handle it.

K: You can't handle your happiness?

E: No. I can't handle your feelings for me. I'm not sure of _my_ feelings. I've supressed them for so long, and I just don't know if right now they're at their full potential, or if there's still something buried in there.

K: You think you don't love me enough?

E: I don't know. I don't really know if I reciprocate your love.

K: Are you feeling guilty, Swan? Because I haven't felt such happiness for longer than you can imagine.

E: That's making it even worse.

K: Don't you dare feel sorry for me.

E: It's not just you, Killian. I think I'm wasting something here.

K: Wasting? But you just said you've been happy-

E: _And_ overwhelmed! You're just giving me too much and I don't feel that I have the potential to give it back to you!

K: I don't care! All I want is to be with you and you being happy. Don't you want the same?

E: Yes. But I can't handle it.

K: You don't _want_ to accept it.

E: Nevertheless, it's bothering me. I can't waste my feelings on a relationship I'm not sure about.

K: Wasting again.

E: If that's what you want to hear, yes, I feel I'm taking advantage of you.

She couldn't have known how much that hurt him. He's given her all his love and devotion, and she believes it was for naught.

E: I thought I was ready, but I'm not. And I don't know if I'll ever be. You don't deserve being-

K: You don't get to decide what _I_ deserve. It's my decision to make, and if we consider what both of us have done in the past, _I'm_ the one who doesn't deserve you.

E: I don't care about who you used to be. You've changed and undeniably proved it. But it's just too much for me. I don't know however else to put it, Killian. You're too much for me.

Bloody hell, lass, he thought. She'd pushed people away because she believed they weren't enough for her, and when someone gives her his whole life, she says it's too much for her.

K: And you don't want me to supress and hide my feelings.

E: It's harder than not getting back-

K: That's for me to decide. But I don't think there's anything left to say.

E: I'm sorry...

K: No, no, don't. Don't. Don't be sorry for something you're not feeling.

His frustration was palpable. But his anger was much more subtle.

E: I just wanted-

K: Aye, I know. But that's enough for today. Just go, Emma.

E: Killian...

K: Yes, I understand. Now go.

He tried to not make her feel worse. Really, he did. But that was added to her list of what she couldn't handle, and it just made her feel worse. She lowered her gaze and left his room without a word.  
>He wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her hard. Make her understand how much her pushing him away hurted him. Not letting her feelings flow, after what he's been through doing the very same thing...<br>But it was hard for _him_ to accept what he went through putting his walls. How could he ever bother her with that pain?

* * *

><p>A few weeks pass, and even though the state of their relationship has been stated clear in that conversation, none of them has been able to get past it. They were both hurt, of course, but every time they met it was like they were ready to continue from where they had stopped - either kiss or shout at each other.<br>Time wasn't healing. Not that much time has passed though, but still every day seemed harder than yesterday. Trying to avoid each other was futile, and in hindsight, it made them both feel worse.

Until one day Emma decided to corner him and ask him what he had really felt in Neverland, before their kiss.

K: Why do you want to know?

E: Because you said that you realized your feelings for me after the kiss. So I want to know what was going on in your head before the kiss exposed everything.

K: It's complicated.

E: Everything is.

He looked at her for a few seconds, then he sighed and went on.

K: Neverland was a nightmare for me. It only reminded me of death and grief. Being there was dangerous not only for my physical health, but for my sanity as well. Add to that, I had traveled back there, willingly, with my sworn enemy, a woman who betrayed me and I betrayed back, a couple who wouldn't give a damn about me and I as well, and a lass who made me doubt my whole life as a pirate. A strong, independent, attractive woman who, for some reason, actually gave a damn about me. And I was to blame for their losing their son/grandson.

E: What made you think I cared about you?

K: Of all things. I didn't realize it at first - probably because I didn't want to accept it - but you leaving me behind in the beanstalk wasn't because you thought I would betray you to Cora. I made my best lying attempt when I told you I was a simple blacksmith, and you doubted me from the first moment. Up on the beanstalk, I was genuinely trying to help you, I was in all honesty about wanting to align with you, and you didn't believe me.

Emma raised her brows, uncomprehending.

K: You weren't afraid I would do physical harm to you. You were afraid I would hurt you, your feelings. You wanted to trust me, but my reputation and your walls were not helping. Deep down, you knew that. You just chose to believe that you simply couldn't trust your lie detector.

E: That's too far-fetched.

K: Is it? Then why did you have the giant release me? I would have been better off dead, considering what I'd done, right?

E: Neither I nor Anton were murderers.

K: Aye, but when it comes to self-defence, it's not murder. It's self-defence. Besides, for all I know, Anton could have kept me there for years without killing me, punishing me for being such a bastard.

He took a step close to her.

K: Maybe you haven't admitted it to yourself yet, but you did give the slightest damn about me. And, to tell the truth, at that time, you were right not to trust it.

E: So, no hard feelings about that?

None of them had the stomach to laugh at that.

K: Of course not, love. Anyway, did I make myself clear?

E: Yes, yes, completely clear. Go on.

K: So, as I said, being in Neverland for the third time was not a pleasant one. I tried to grasp on anything that would relieve me. You remember how much more I was drinking there.

E: Hard to forget.

K: And then there was that itching craving to make you notice me. You were consistently pushing me away, and I kept wanting you. When I found out David was injured, honestly, I can't say I gave a damn. What I didn't want to accept was that I was thinking what his death would cost you. I kept pushing that away, until he collapsed on me and I allowed myself to realize that he was going to die. And then the memories of my brother dying flushed in.

He took a deep breath and went on.

K: At the time, David was always attacking me. He was very right to, but I couldn't have cared less. But I, just, had this thing where I stopped thinking anything else and all my thoughts were on how I could drag him to Deadman's Peak and heal him. I was on a rescue mission for a boy I'd seen only once, against an enemy I feared. And yet there I was, trying to convince that stubborn ass to save his own life. I could have left him to die and rid myself of an annoying obstacle to getting the woman I wanted. It would have been too easy, doing that. But leaving him to die, honestly, was off the table after I had the memories of Liam. I thought that saving him would give me the relief of not watching the torturous last moments of Dreamshade poisoning nor adding your mother's and your grief to mine - anything that could make me feel better. I never believed he would give me credit in front of you. Watching you all thanking me was, well, rejuvenating, comparing to what I had been feeling before. And then you went to hide behind the bushes. I felt like an eight-year-old on his first time to sea. I couldn't help myself, I had wanted to kiss you at that moment. I stepped in and you grabbed me. And I didn't want to let go. Honestly, if you had asked me to starve for _days_ if it meant kissing you at the same time, I would've accepted in a heartbeat. It made me so happy that I forgot about all the pain, until Pan showed up and brought me back to reality. On our way to the Echo Cave I kept thinking about something I had pushed away ever since I'd poisoned Rumpelstiltskin. Was it really worth it? Pushing away all emotions, becoming a bastard without a soul, not being open to the possibility of loving again, only to find justice? Destroying my own life for something that was already lost?

It was still hard, even now with both of their walls down, saying those things out loud.

K: I couldn't admit it at that time. I couldn't admit that I had condemned my own self in centuries of pain and suffering, when I could just face the loss and move on.

He let a mirthless laugh.

K: What was even more ridiculous, was that I'd let exactly the same thing happen to me, after Liam died. I became a pirate to bring down our corrupt leaders. And I let piracy corrupt _me_, destroy all my morals, my ethics, my "good form".

He sighed and looked at her with pain in his eyes.

K: I kept running from pain, instead of facing it. But it was always backfiring, and I didn't let myself see it. So, no, I couldn't accept that I had destroyed myself then. What I had accepted though, was that I didn't let go of my revenge because I was feeling guilty, or that I just put it on hold. I let it go because it no longer mattered. I'd loved Milah, and her death left me empty. I filled that void with quest for revenge. Then my revenge failed and the void came back. I didn't realize it, until we kissed, that whatever I was feeling for you was what kept me together. I had lost love and I had found it again. But there was another reason of why this was a secret I would never admit to anyone.

E: The fact that you loved me?

K: No, the fact that you made me give up on my revenge. The fact that love was turning me into a decent human being. I was... I had created this reputation of me. The fearless, uncompassionate and ruthless pirate captain who would kill anyone who wronged him in a heartbeat. And admitting that I was ready to give it away for a woman, well, that's not an easy thing for a man to do.

E: Dropping the façade you had put on for so long...

K: It was everything I had. Covering the fact that deep down, I'm a broken soul who preferred being corrupted than facing the pain.

E: Why cover it?

K: Because no-one cared. Because I didn't _want_ anyone to care.

That startled her more than she would expect.

E: Why?

K: Because the only two people who ever cared about me died, on me, because of me. And the pain was too much to accept and risk feeling again. Hatred was destroying me and I let it, because feeling love would not be a sure option. It can raise you up or make you a complete wretch. So I stuck with the certainty hatred provided me.

E: What changed your mind? Why did you accept your feelings for me?

K: Because you'd cared.

He paused for a few seconds and let her sink in the knowledge.

K: Because you knew who I was, what I was capable of, what I had already _done _to _you_, and you still gave a bloody damn about me. And I didn't deserve it.

E: Killian...

K: But you can't imagine how much I _craved_ for it. How much I'd missed it. What its loss had done to me.

He had to stop and look down. He felt a lump rising in his throat, and he needed time to fill his lungs with enough air to move on. Luckily for him, Emma waited patiently until he was ready to speak again. It was killing her, watching him express his pain and not being able to comfort him.

E: I think that's enough...

K: No, it's not.

E: I'm sorry that I made you think through all this...

K: Emma, I told you before, don't you dare ever feel sorry for me. I let myself go down that road. What goes around, comes around. If I had simply _faced_ the pain instead of running away from it... instead of _accepting_ that it is a natural part of life that can't be skipped...

E: But you _are _facing the pain for me.

K: When we were sent back to the Enchanted Forest, I didn't. My ship was stolen and I needed it back, because I'd thought that it would help me heal.

E: And you found it.

K: After sacrificing an innocent's life. After depriving an innocent woman... Ariel... of her chance of finding the man she loved.

E: What?!

He couldn't answer. He wanted to run away and not face the anger rising in her.

E: You... you let... Eric die, in order to get the Jolly Roger back? You...

But she couldn't feel angry at him in his state. He looked on the verge of tears, jaw clenched so tight she thought his teeth would break. He still couldn't look at her.

E: But she found him. We saw that.

K: Yes, she did.

Now she was sure: he was already crying, just not tearing. His voice was broken.

E: Why didn't you tell me that then?

K: Because I was a coward.

None of them could believe what he had just said. After centuries of blaming Rumpelstiltskin of being the coward, he now has the guts to admit he is one too.

K: Because it was easy, covering it up and avoiding being doubted. I was ashamed for my actions, especially after I found out that I had a chance to find you again. Telling the truth would be the right thing, but it would completely expose how easy it was for me to relapse. And I didn't want you to see that. I wanted to show you that I had changed. That I was capable of changing.

E: Why? If you've ever thought that I didn't deserve you...

K: Because I wanted to show you that you weren't wrong caring for me. I once was a good man, and no matter how much I avoided him, I've longed _so much_ to become that man again. I wanted to show you that you were right, that you saw _deep down_ in me and cared for _that_ man, not the bastard that left you for dead. It may be too far-fetched, but I didn't want you to suppress your feelings... you once thought you loved the wrong man and raised your walls. I didn't want you to do that to yourself again.

_Talk about self-serving._

K: I was willing to change for you. To prove to you you've made the right decision. That you can give a happy ending to a broken soul.

She was awe-struck. She had no idea what to tell him, or how to react even.

K: So that's what was and what's in my head, sweetheart. Can you handle _this_?

That brought her back to reality. The only thing she was sure about right now was that she wanted a moment alone. She turned on her heel and started to get off.

K: I love you, Emma.

_Yeah, I know._

K: I _needed_ you to know that.

That last sentence, with the bonus of the pain in his voice, brought her to a halt.  
>He <em>needed<em> her to know that he loved her. Why?  
>Because it was the first time in ages - literally - that he <em>allowed<em> himself to do that. He didn't say it because he wanted her affection - but because he was showing her that he accepted it. He loved Liam, and he died. He loved Milah, and she died. He dared care for Baelfire, but he had already been such a bastard that Baelfire turned him down - and in the end, he died as well. He might as well have hated himself. What good did love ever do to him? Yet he embraced it, accepting that it's okay to face the pain.  
>Because Emma cared for him. And Emma couldn't care for a selfish repulsive bastard. He faced it <em>for her.<em>

K: Liam loved me because we had grown up together. Milah loved me because I gave her the freedom to become the woman she wanted. They accepted me for what I was.

She had still her back on him. She heard him making a step closer to her.

K: They would both hate me if they saw me now, what I've become... supposedly for them... And you didn't accept me, your feelings for me, until I gave you a good reason to.

That he had left his life behind to save her and her family. That he was changing to the man she'd seen inside him. The man she cared about.

K: Emma, you showed me a tiny bit of your affection and it gradually changed me to the man I used to be. Can you imagine what has happened to me ever since you lowered your walls for me? How much happy that made me?

She didn't respond. She started turning slowly towards him.

K: Or are you still afraid? Afraid that I won't be able to handle it? Because right now, what I'm barely handling is this pain.

E: I can't fix you.

He took another step closer.

K: You _are_ fixing me. I'm being fixed by merely loving you.

E: I... I can't...

K: I know, I know, I'm not... I'm sorry. I just... you just had to know that no matter what your feelings are, I'll always respect and cherish them. As I will you, for giving me that bloody second chance to happiness.

She was tearing, and he didn't know what to feel. Just like when she'd told him that her heart was broken, he was happy that she allowed herself to feel, but sad realizing what she had to go through to do that. She looked up at him, and could swear that he was about to cry too. They stayed there for a few moments, just looking deep at each other. The tension was rising by the minute, but the pain and awkwardness were still sky-high. She touched her forehead to his and they closed their eyes, breathing hard. They would have kissed, that's for sure, but when Killian touched her hand, she was brought back to reality.

_What the hell am I going to do?_

E: I just need a moment alone.

He could just nod, for he felt the lump in his throat would make him sob. She held on his good hand and looked him in the eyes for a last time before leaving.


	2. Chapter 2

Even the evening breeze didn't seem to help her relax. She was too anxious, too nervous, and too willing to just go back and kiss him. But she couldn't understand what was still keeping her away. He had just opened his heart to her, something he'd probably never done before in his life. He loved her and needed her so much, yet he was willing to stay away from her, because that's what she wanted.

And she couldn't help appreciating what he'd done for her. She knew that he'd always be devoted to her, no matter what. But she still felt her heart too heavy, afraid that he gave too much of himself to her.

But she still couldn't understand why she _didn't_ want all that much of him. He loved her, but so did her parents and Henry...

And only then did it occure to her. Her parents had each other, and Henry had Regina and his grandparents, besides her. Killian had only her. Even with the revelation of their relationship, he and David still had that "bromance", but it didn't look much more than a simple respect to each other. Killian would _never_ tell David had he had just said to her. He could and should, but wouldn't.

He was afraid to open up and trust other people. He respected them, but that's as far as he'd go. And so he hang onto her too much.

"Why?", she actually heard herself say.

* * *

><p>He was sitting down, fist clenched, trying to steady his sobs. For the first time, probably in his whole life, he had exposed literally everything about himself. Even things he wouldn't dare admit to himself.<p>

And the response was hollow. He _felt_ hollow.

What was he going to do?

* * *

><p>Emma knocked hard on his door. He wasn't sure who could have been, and he wished to hell that Emma couldn't be that angry to knock his door that hard. He didn't raise.<p>

E: Killian! I need to talk.

The tone of her voice didn't seem to relax him. But she kept knocking hard, so he managed to stand up and open the door.

She came rushing in, looked at him and tried to remain stable. After their last conversation, there was actually no reason for him to pretend he wasn't broken. His expression was killing her.

E: Why am I the only one you trust?

K: Trust? I-uh... what do you mean?

E: I mean that you've just told me things you've never said to anyone, and never would.

K: I don't follow.

E: Killian, I know you love me, but you have to love someone else too, you know.

He looked at her, uncomprehending.

E: You hang onto me only. And I was afraid that it was too much for me. Feeling that _I'm_ responsible for you being good...

K: You are, but...

E: This responsibility was weighing me down. I was afraid that at the slightest of slips, you would go back to your old self.

K: But I...

E: Let me finish. I _know_ that you didn't want that, but it happened because no-one ever in my life was dedicated completely to me. My parents and Henry have each other, they'll never be alone. But you were... an outsider, how should I put it?

She stepped even closer to him and he flinched at the sudden change of her behavior.

E: Nobody else showed you a tip of caring. Until, of course, you saved David... but you were fighting to gain their trust. Their trust, not their affection.

K: Why should I? As you said, they had each other. Why would I bother becoming a part of them?

E: Because you needed a family. You needed a home. And, as you stated before, you had a reason to not accept those facts. Up until selling your ship, you had a family - your crew, and a home - your ship. Now you have none. You only have me, and you clinged onto me so hard that I couldn't handle it. I simply felt panic because you were entrusting me with your soul. Just me. And it overwhelmed me.

He needed a few seconds to sink in the knowledge.

K: Oh, Emma...

E: You just have to realize that you're being accepted here and it's not bad to accept it back.

K: I'm so sorry...

She never believed she would actually see the infamous cutthroat captain Hook burst into sobs. She ran and embraced him.

K: I asked too much of you, love, I'm sorry, I know that I should have started trusting other people...

She buried him deeper in her embrace.

E: It's alright, it's alright...

Now they were both crying.

K: I was still too much stubborn to realize that _I_ was doing that to you.

E: No, it was-

K: How can you stand me, Emma?

He broke the embrace and looked her in the eye.

K: How can you let yourself be with a man that-

E: Gave up his old life to save me? Well, I couldn't. That's why we were apart these past weeks. I just didn't see what pushed me away.

She still has the power _and_ will to help him. He could hate her for that, how stupidly she behaves for a man who's not worth it.

E: I can't help you all by myself. Like it or not, there are people out there that care about you.

K: They enjoy having me around, but care for me?

E: Because you _had_ cared for them. I know you don't want to feel a hero, but you definitely are. You found me in New York and restored my memories. If you hadn't cared about my family, you wouldn't have cared to do that. What makes you think that you couldn't seduce me there and let them rot?

K: It would have changed the past.

E: You didn't know that. Why the hell is it too hard for you to accept it?

He stepped back and sighed.

K: I had tried to be a hero only twice in my life. The first time, my brother died. The second time, I lost you. For me, the honour of a hero brought only pain.

E: But denying it only makes it worse. What do you really think of yourself? That you're just my love interest? Is that how much low you think you've gone?

He didn't respond. He looked down, and then closed his eyes, without relaxing.  
>She approached him again.<p>

E: As you've said, I've cared for you from the very first moment. Why? Because I could see that what you were exposing was merely a façade. You were lying with your whole soul. Yes, of course I didn't know that at that time, but it happened nevertheless. And so, deep down I knew that you were an honourable man. That's why I hesitated leaving you behind, and why I asked Anton to let you go rather quickly. I realized that only in hindsight.  
>It took more time and much more honesty to make the others see that as well. But they <em>are<em> seeing it now, as much as I am.

She stood right inches away from him and touched his cheek. He opened his eyes and looked at her, still tearfully.

E: If you want to make me believe that I made the right choice, that I was right to trust you... then do it. I know that you can be the man you used to, or at least close to him. And that man wasn't leaning on merely a woman, right?

He shook his head.

E: Good. You _have_ experienced other types of love. And I know there are people offering it to you. Accept it, for Christ's sake, or I swear I'll go mad.

K: All right.

E: All right?

K: Yes, yes.

And they embraced again. It was finally feeling good, as if that embrace lifted a weight from both of their shoulders.

E: You're not on your own anymore. You have to abide by the rules, all right?

K: Yes.

E: And as one of my requests as the daughter of the royal couple and rightful heir, I order you to start trusting other people as well.

K: Yes, your majesty.

They both chuckled and separated. She looked at him and smiled, a smile that brought such happiness in him that he couldn't believe it was real. Sheer happiness, chasing away all the pain.  
>Just like when Liam was healed.<br>When he realized he loved Milah.  
>When they kissed in Neverland.<br>And when he saw her again in New York.

But it was real. As much as her happiness was.

And he couldn't believe how easy it was for him to adapt with them. He had already been a part of their family, he was just afraid to see it. Life was always taking happiness from him, but he embraced it, even though he knew that he might lose it one day. That's how life works.

He had saved Emma Swan from a threat, and she was grateful for it. But he could never be grateful enough for Emma, for she had saved him from something much more horrible.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note: <strong>So that's it, folks! Thanks for reading my stuff! I've had all those thoughts on my head for a while now, I'm not quite sure about how they turned out written down, but I surely hope you liked it. I would appreciate a comment and/or feedback. :)


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